Guide to e-macking hahaha

[Vision350z]

haha this is incredibly hilarious. i was laughing my ass off reading the entire thing. yes it's long but as you procede, you'll simply laugh more and more. enjoy...

Imam Jaysh's Guide to Online Macking.
http://www.geocities.com/freejaysh/Macking.html

The 5th "Free Jaysh" Website.

Good Muslims do not date. Instead, they mack online.

Because there are few authentic hadith on the Adab of online macking, it is
incumbent on us to use Ijtihad on this very grave matter.

1. The Initial Cyber "Meeting."

No doubt this can be either on Naseeb or some Islamic online forum. As the
saying goes, "first a smile, then a private message, then the comfort of
AIM." After a flurry of Private Messages, it is time to complain: "It's too
annoying to private message--do you have AIM or MSN?"

2. Enter AIM or MSN...

AIM and MSN are a Godsend for chickens like you and me who can't mack in
real life. In real life, we may be scrawny desi boys with thick glasses and
a plethora of back and toe hair. Online, however, we are a gift to all women
worldwide, or at least those with 56 k modem and higher.

3. AIM or MSN?

American girls are on AIM, whereas fobs dominate the MSN scene. Hence, I
would focus the bulk of my mack attacks on AIM girls exclusively. Do not
waste mack on fobs. They have horrid grammar. They will ask to "have a
beautiful friendship" with you and beg you to "please reply me." They may
also use annoyingly cryptic transliteration like "thum janvar ho" that you
may not be able to decipher.

Correction: Canadians and Brits may also use MSN, so I'd diversify my mack
attack by downloading both MSN and AIM. I personally can't stand the British
accent, but hey--I'll leave this up to you.

4. The Interrogation.

You must now ask the girl how many siblings she has, where she lives, her
social security number, etc. It is wajib in most madhabs to compliment the
girl on how pretty her name is, even if its something as hideous as
Bajpinder. Additional points will be awarded to you based on your wittiness
and charm, namely how well you flirt. You can tease the girl a little bit so
long as you include the ever-so-charming wink smile at the end of whatever
you say. "Oh, you're so silly..."

During this time, you try to use all the available information to estimate
her approximate level of hotness. Statistics prove that girls with pink or
purple font are more likely to be hot, whereas those girls who are funny
tend to be fat and ugly. Intelligent girls are also ugly, so focus on the
airheads majoring in something liberal art-ish. Stay away from feminazis
(always ugly), and also from eleventeen-year olds.

5. The All Important Picture.

This is the real reason you are going through all this hassle. You want to
see the picture. Once you get the picture, you can make a decision whether
or not to proceed forward.

It's rather annoying how you have to wait for like five days or so before
you can ask her for the picture. She won't send it to you in the beginning
because you have to become her confidante (after a whole five days). It's
annoying since you have to pre-invest so much mack before attaining the
picture.

Golden Rule: If she sends her picture, it's a given that you must
reciprocate with your own picture. I advise to give the picture after she
sends hers. See point 6 below.

6. If her face sucks...

Now you are in quite a predicament, especially if you have invested a
lengthy period of mack. This is what we call a waste of mack. Not only this,
but by now--the girl is of course madly in love with you, but you are ready
to abort the mission. What to do?

Panic not. Continue the conversation as if nothing happened. You MUST talk
to her for a few more times before completely ignoring her. You only care
for a girl based on her looks? You superficial jerk.

(If you haven't sent your picture yet, send a picture of your hideous friend
Govindar Singh in lieu of yourself. That should do the trick.)

7. If the Picture makes you want to do wudu again and sing Bollywood songs
in the shower ...

Now it's time to take off the gloves and let the hardcore flirting commence.

A-T-T-A-C-K!

Below, we shall show you a sample conversation:

MuslimMacker: So what ethnicity are you?
AngelBabyHijabiPrincess786: I'm Afghani.
MuslimMacker: I've heard Afghanistan is beautiful...I guess everything from
Afghanistan is beautiful
AngelBabyHijabiPrincess786: *insert blushing face here*
MuslimMacker: So are you wearing your hijab right now as we speak?
and so on and so forth...

Rumi poetry is also a sure-fire winner with most girls...have some in your
profile, and also have fun by having flirtatious away messages. Ask her if
she really isn't a hoor (NOT a whore) and comment on how her eyes are the
gates to Paradise.

8. Don't be too aggressive though...

You don't want to blow your cover right away. You want to flirt just enough
so that she suspects but isn't sure. The ideal situation is one in which she
can't sleep at night because she keeps thinking: "does he like me?" Keep her
in mystery for awhile.

Question: Assalamo Alaykum Imam Sahab Jaysh. I have the question to you.
Should I delay the responses when I chat her to seem like I have a life?

Answer: Thank you for your query. This still a heavily disputed issue
amongst the Fuqaha of Islam. One Madhab believes that you should delay
responses by 20-60 seconds in order to seem like you have a life. But
another Madhab claims that responses should be rapid-fire style in order to
show that both parties click together very well.

Should you IM her first or should you wait till she does? This too is a
question that the scholars have pondered for ages. And what about being
online the entire day? That won't look good, and only confirm her suspicions
that you have no life; for this, you can either give birth to multiple
screen-names or you can go into invisible mode with the new AIM.

9. Does she like you?

The speed of her responses is a good indication of her interest level.
Additionally, she likes you if she says things like "you're so funny!" and
if she uses ten thousand smiley faces after every sentence...indeed, how
much she likes you is directly proportional to the number of smiley faces
and extraneous exclamation marks. There is a monumental difference between a
simple "salams" and a "Hey Salams!!! ". If she IMs you first,
then you pretty much are going to father her children.

And the all time favorite of mine is the classic "wow, you kept me up the
whole night--it's almost fajr time!" Once she says that, you know she's all
yours. Or she might even say "I am going to fail my test tomorrow--I'm going
to blame you now!" (score!!! she can't even study without thinking about you
and your handsome IMs.)

10. How do you know if she doesn't like you?

If there is a drastic change in the velocity of her responses, if she blocks
you, or if she declares your face to suck--then it's a pretty good
indication that she doesn't like you. You pretty much suck if you can't even
get girls online. In the words of one Islamican, "it's the internet--at
least pretend you're cool."

11. Multiple-Macking...a cyber-crime in all 48 contiguous states of this
here America

Whereas you may use the euphemism of "diversifying" your macking portfolio,
girls will accuse you of multiple-macking. Multiple-macking is when you are
flooded with IMs from young women dying for your hand in cyber-marriage.
My advice: You won't be able to hold down ten conversations at a time. Don't
spread your mack out too thin, and try to focus on the most important few
mackees. Always prioritize mackees based on not only hotness, but also those
who live closer to your residence:

( h / a) where a denotes availability...
Edit: It's actually h*a ...we regret this error.

Divide up your buddy list into sections, such as: Gold Club Mackees, Silver
Club Mackees, and Runner-ups. Never discuss mackees with fellow mackers
unless you have first signed some sort of Pact demarcating territory. You
can also trade mackees with another macker.

Also, be careful to cover your tracks and make sure that none of your
mackees are in contact with each other. They might realize then that you are
multiple-macking. Not good for business. A lot of hijabsters and niqabsters
tend to flock together so be extra cautious. It is preferable to have
mackees who all live in different states, so even if she asks if she's the
only girl you talk to her, you can say: "yes, in the state..."

12. "Giving Dawah..."

1-Macking is a form of giving dawah.
2-Dawah is Fardh.
3-Therefore and thence, macking is Fardh.

We should give dawah exclusively to hot chicks. (That's good since only
people of the opposite sex show interest in Islam anyways.)

We shall try our utmost to convert hot chicks! What a noble task! We shall
wage Jihad on Bollywood and take the chicks as our right-hand captives...

13. Converting a Kafir Girl via AIM.

I'm too tired to finish this stupid webpage, so I'm going to skip this part.
But it's in my head and it's damn funny. So laugh. In conclusion, all the
kafir girl has got to do is to repeat the shahadah after the Imam:

Imam: La Illaha illallah
Kafir Girl: La ilah la la la la ......

Heck, you could say anything and she would repeat it. But, she is officially
nikahfiable now so let the show begin! Of course, the local aunties will
gossip at your wedding about how you had to marry her because she is
pregnant and how she secretly still worships Shiva and Goro (mk3). But what
do you care? You're madly in love.

Notice how aunties say the meanest things but put them in a du'a form to
seem sympathetic:

Auntie 1: Allah humarey nasal ko bachao badnaami say...suna hay kay donon
nain affair teen saal kay liay chalaya. (Allah protect our children from
such shame...I heard that the two were having an affair for three years.)

Auntie 2: Un kay maan baap bhi to aisay hain. (Their mother and father are
also like that, so what do you expect?)

Auntie 1: Phir bhi, afsos maan ka moo to kala ho gaya ho ga... (Even still,
the mother's face must be black with shame...so sad...)

Auntie 2: Dulhan ko dekho. Kaisay ghoor ghoor kay idhar udhar dekh rahi hay.
Aaj kal ki larkiyon ko to sharam hi nahin hay. Hamarey zamaney main to
dulhan apni aankhain neechi rakhti thi. (Look at the bride. Today's girls
have no shame. Look at how she is looking up and looking around everywhere.
In our time, girls kept their eyes down and never smiled either.)

*********

Dinner is being served now...we hope that this will divert the gossip talk
and remind the aunties how they should be grateful guests....

Edit: The Fobular friend of mine who was doing the transliteration for me
got bored and left...so the rest of the Urdu below makes no sense. Just read
the englishes.
Super Edit: The word "Urdu" is in the dictionary...isn't that cool?

Auntie 1: Kana bi ithni dayr sey serve kara... (They served dinner so late!)

Auntie 3-4 (there's always one super fat auntie, so I give her two numbers):
Hum tho bhookh sey margeya. (I'm dying of hunger.)

Auntie 1: Khana ithna achey nehey hey...Tanda hey (The dinner isn't even
that good. It's cold.)

Auntie 2: Deykho, dhoola ney paley saas ko khana serve kara...apney maa baap
kho nehey...ithna bi nehey dubna chayeh larkhi key agey key ammi ko
bhooljay... (Look, the groom served his in-laws first, instead of his own
parents. Guys shouldn't be so submissive to their wives that they forget
their mothers.)

Auntie 3-4: Larka ithna sona nehey hey...is vajasey is ko complex horra
hey... (The groom isn't that good-looking, so he's having an inferiority
complex.)

Auntie 1: Shakul tho ayk bahath hey, chalo vo tho Allah sey aatha hey. Magar
parhey tho zarroori hotha larkey kileyeh...bechara dholla ney behoth ghalath
field choose karra [not doctor/engineer/lawyer] (Looks are one thing. That
we understand comes from Allah so it's not in his control. But studies are
very important for boys...the poor groom chose a really crappy field to
major in [not doctor/engineer/lawyer].)

Auntie 2: Mashallah mashallah sey, mera beta ney harvard sey apney doctori
ki degree li. (Mashallah, my son studied medicine at Harvard.)

...............

Auntie 1: Saas ney yeh saari paley bi panawa hey behoth. (The mother-in-law
has frequently worn the same sarri before.)

Auntie 3-4: All this talk is getting me hungry. Excuse me as I go eat the
dead flesh of my fellow Muslims. Yummy.

14. Why online macking won't work out in the end...

In the end, it's not going to work out. Why? Because she lives in Alaska and
you'll never even seen her. It won't work. Lesson: Don't waste time macking
online. Go to ISNA instead. (I.S.N.A. = Innumerable Sluts Now Available)

15. Did you like my...website? Are you female? If so, please feel free to
contact me. Edit: Heck, if you happen to be a cute male, then you too



Congratulations! You are now ready to mack online. Print out the official
"license to mack" below:

=========================================
* *
* License to Mack *
* *
* *
* Print this High Quality Membership Card *

[Namsu410]

i read the top part HAHAHAHA

[livindathuglife]

i dont need no guides, im a natural born e-pimp :P

[Namsu410]

ok now i read the whole thing HAHAHAHAa

[insomniac987]

LMAO......that was awesome

[Vision350z]

sure was

[krazy_desi187]

LOL...thaz some funny funny stuff..

[sunnz1088]

Read the whole thing.

Pimpin'...haha

[Vision350z]

this thread got washed our fairly quickly, it's already on the bottom of page 2 and i put it up only 6 hours ago. alot of you need to read this, it's hysterical

[WildWolfdog]

loool t'was funny, buut i do that anyway though

[paradise_kiss]

lol thats freakin sooo funny I read the whole thing and some ways thats true...

[theycallmerush]

HAHAHHAHHA AHAHH!! !!! LOL!! funny shit.. but e pimpin in gay.. lol if u cant b a pimp.. dont try e pimpin.. welll u can practice as an e pimper.. lol

[reaz]

this part made me laugh the most

12. "Giving Dawah..."

1-Macking is a form of giving dawah.
2-Dawah is Fardh.
3-Therefore and thence, macking is Fardh.

[jotolon]

i guess it would be funnier if i was muslim or a fob or something

[Flow_Motion]

Hahaha good thread...

[kunnyfunt]

rofl!! i printed it out n made mum read it!!!

[mr photographer]

Originally Posted by livindathuglife

i dont need no guides, im a natural born e-pimp :P

and im the one who taught him everything he knows

[blunt_boy]

LOL

vision u are damn good .. love ur work dude

[WonkaBear]

Originally Posted by livindathuglife

i dont need no guides, im a natural born e-pimp :P

Tu Shay

[Baby_Boo]

LoL thats hilarious. And very true.

[jassika]

haha

[gburgdesi]

lol omar, speaking of e-macking

[Kslay88]

Damn, that was good.