Just when some of you thought i'd stop posting essays...

[Rogue]

Well. Sur-freakin-prise.

Feast your eyeballs on this.

My colon seems to adhere to a strict schedule: once upon rising and once before bed. Well, the unholy Taco Bell butt burrito in this story decided to make its blessed journey into the world at work.

Fuck. I hate shitting at work. I almost never do it.

I must have been in the bathroom for forty-five minutes, straining, grunting, and bearing down like I was in the labor room, or at a Muscle Beach weightlifting competition. I was pondering if all this bearing down might cause a stroke; I wondered if my co-workers would find me stock-still on the floor of the bathroom, a turd half-in and half-out of my ass and my face frozen in a rictus of agony. Would they laugh before calling 911? You bet they would!

Ever try to put your fist in your mouth? This turd had a Chupacabran thirst for ass blood and eldritch intelligence.

I finally reached the conclusion that this turd was simply too big for my asshole and might have to be surgically removed; but I hadn't given up yet, so I tried to suck it back in for a try later on at home. Nope. It was stuck halfway.

So then I pondered on what to do. I didn't have any rubber gloves handy and I was NOT going to touch it with my hands because... I am a lady.

Yes, I had already considered getting up, spinning furiously, and trying the rectal hammer throw with my butt cutlet; but we were one, locked in single combat.

As I sat, I pondered walking to my boss's office, hunched over with my pants around my ankles, and asking him to either assist me -- that, or let me go to Urgent Care and do you mind driving? He has a van.

I even tried grabbing both sides of my ass cheeks, pulling them apart, and bearing down. Apparently Lady Luck was busy in the next stall. This chunk of shit was holding me captive and I could not release the other chocolate hostages!

I also had flashbacks of this being Elvis' last performance; after all, his deathbed ended up being bathroom marble. We have linoleum at work. I was going to die on cheap linoleum!

I figured it was a befitting end, though. Me and my oversized butt gherkin in an eternal embrace. What would the mortician think? My final bow. Would they have to lay me on my side in the casket? Would I now become the poster girl for Ex-Lax? "Don't let this happen to you: take Ex-Lax!" accompanied by a picture of me, dead on the bathroom floor, with a behemoth chuck of boo-boo protruding from my butt. Would they erect a Ronald McDonald House for Constipated Kids in my honor?

On the other hand, if I did manage to pass it, would it leave my asshole in tatters? Would I exit the bathroom with my over-stretched, shredded, mucilaginous intestines slung over one shoulder like a lariat trailing the tattered remnants of my colon with a sanguinary torn assmeat tip -- like a colorectal bridal train? Would a co-worker provide a helping hand and carry the train? Would I even have the balls to ask? When it came out, would it give an audible pop like a champagne cork? Or would this be the fat man doing the cannonball into the pool? Maybe if I had some lubricant. Fuck... where am I going to find anal lubricant RIGHT NOW!?

Sigh. I just gave up and sat there. Waiting. Just like in the wild, wild, west of olden times. Me at one end of the lonely, tumbleweed-strewn, dusty, dirt road, and my cowboy hat-wearing turd at the other. An old-fashioned showdown with the theme from The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly playing in the background. An ass off.

Then... I felt it. My ass infant moved. I began to squirm and shift side to side. I was The Little Engine That Could, chugging away... I think I can... I think I can... I know I can... I know I can... I KNOW --

And then it was over. No noise, no blood, no tearing asunder.

I wiped. Nothing.

I was alone.

So after all the labor pains, I felt a tug as I gave birth to my unholy ass suckling. There was no nurse or midwife to assist in the birth and whisk my butt bullion away and wrap him in swaddling clothes and pass out cigars, either.

Dead quiet.

No splash.

I was initially afraid to wipe, for fear of seeing a splash of blood and then a fetal reptile peering out -- the one that burst out of the thorax of John Hurt in Alien. I also didn't want to confirm the fact that I was probably hemorrhaging. I was scared.

But nothing turned up on the toilet paper.

So I got shakily to my feet, pulled up my pants, and turned and looked down to behold the most extraordinary, most fascinating piece of art deco poo craftsmanship ever. In appearance, it was like nothing I've ever seen: a tightly-convoluted coil of uniform brown. A brain made of poop is what it looked like. It seemed fashioned by Fabergéeacute; in the most exquisite detail I've ever seen in poop. I'd given birth to an ostrich-sized Fabergéeacute; egg!

I just stood there, agog, full of awestruck wonder. Enthralled, I wished for a stick to poke it, to see if it had the hardness of freshly-kilned earthen brown ceramicware.

But I just flushed my work of art. Who was I going to share it with?

How could my gastric juices and probiotic-filled intestines have fashioned this? Did I have little artistic Keebler Poop Elves working in my innards? I wanted to call The Mutter Museum to see if they were interested.

I have not consumed anything from Taco Bell since the birth, purely out of fear.

But I still refuse to carry personal lubricant on my person.

[TheDude]

[random guy]

allow that... rogue change ur display pic u scare me

[TheDude]

[random guy]

Originally Posted by TheDude

THATS RIGHT BITCHES

[surface2air]

Too much use of fucking imagery! Jeez, just post pictures of your lovely tutti

[buylill]

i get the feeling you got that off the internet or something.

[Rogue]

Originally Posted by buylill

i get the feeling you got that off the internet or something.

[Space-Cowboy]

Originally Posted by I DIL<3 YOU

Shut up n00b.

Shut up immigrant.

[TheDude]

Originally Posted by Rogue

Well. Sur-freakin-prise.

Feast your eyeballs on this.

[buylill]

Originally Posted by Rogue

your secret is safe with me

[random guy]

Originally Posted by I DIL<3 YOU

Shut up n00b.

SHUTDOWN UR PC AND GET A LIFE

[buylill]

shanti my fellow Rders
say with me; p e a c e is what we want'

[Gimmeck]

Gauri, thats way too much reading for me. Sorry, I didn't really ready any of it.

Just came to say Hello.

[random guy]

Originally Posted by I DIL<3 YOU

you are hilarious.

i kno

[nayeemx33]

You vulgar little maggot. You worthless bag of filth. As they say in Texas. I'll bet you couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel. You are a canker. A sore that won't go away. I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you.
You're a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon.
You are a bleating foal, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world. An insensate, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody, abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beasts who sired you and then killed themselves in recognition of what they had done.
I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformation. I barf at the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell?
Try to edit your responses of unnecessary material before attempting to impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a nincompoop will still be available to readers, but they will be able to access it more rapidly.
You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame of your ignoble blood. May you choke on the queasy, convulsing nausea of your own trite, foolish beliefs.
You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with you. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot.
And what meaning do you expect your delusional self-important statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? What fantasy do you hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would have more weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for the bite of the snake?
You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease, you puerile one-handed slack-jawed drooling meat slapper.
On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go.
You smarmy lager lout git. You bloody woofter sod. Bugger off, pillock. You grotty wanking oink artless base-court apple-john. You clouted boggish foot-licking twit. You dankish clack-dish plonker. You gormless crook-pated tosser. You churlish boil-brained clotpole ponce. You cockered bum-bailey poofter. You craven dewberry pisshead cockup pratting naff. You gob-kissing gleeking flap-mouthed coxcomb. You dread-bolted fobbing beef-witted clapper-clawed flirt-gill.
You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I despise everything about you, and I wish you would go away.
I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Your writing has to be a troll. Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know. I'm sorry. I can't go on. This is an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you may not hear from me again for a while. I don't have enough strength left to deride your ignorant questions and half baked comments about unimportant trivia, or any of the rest of this drivel. Duh.
The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. I have snipped away most of what you wrote, because, well... it didn't really say anything. Your attempt at constructing a creative flame was pitiful. I mean, really, stringing together a bunch of insults among a load of babbling was hardly effective... Maybe later in life, after you have learned to read, write, spell, and count, you will have more success. True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal" people take for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we sometimes forget that there are "challenged" persons in this world who find these things more difficult. If I had known that this was your case then I would have never read your post. It just wouldn't have been "right". Sort of like parking in a handicap space. I wish you the best of luck in the emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you.

P.S.: You are hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful, cowardly, deadly, mendacious, meretricious, loathsome, despicable, belligerent, opportunistic, barratrous, contemptible, criminal, fascistic, bigoted, racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic, brain-damaged, imbecilic, insane, arrogant, deceitful, demented, lame, self-righteous, byzantine, conspiratorial, satanic, fraudulent, libelous, bilious, splenetic, spastic, ignorant, clueless, illegitimate, harmful, destructive, dumb, evasive, double-talking, devious, revisionist, narrow, manipulative, paternalistic, fundamentalist, dogmatic, idolatrous, unethical, cultic, diseased, suppressive, controlling, restrictive, malignant, deceptive, dim, crazy, weird, dystopic, stifling, uncaring, plantigrade, grim, unsympathetic, jargon-spouting, censorious, secretive, aggressive, mind-numbing, arassive, poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive, abusive, socially-retarded, puerile, clueless, and generally Not Good.
(yes, I'm done now)

For you