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March 8th, 2007, 07:50 PM
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Join Date: Apr 5 2005
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you gota laugh 18+
Q. What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
A. Yell at her. Q. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak. Q. What do women and police cars have in common? A. They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming. Q. Why do female skydivers wear jock straps? A. So they don't whistle on the way down. Q. Why did the woman cross the road? A. Never mind that, WTF is she doing out of the kitchen? Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers? A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear. Q. Why can't women read maps? A. Because only the male mind can comprehend the concept of 1 inch equals a mile. Q. What's a virgin and a balloon have in common ? A. All it takes is one prick and its all over. Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job? A. After five years your job will still suck. Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter? A. A male hen that sticks to the roof of your mouth. Q. Why did God create alcohol? A. So ugly people would have a chance to have sex. Q. What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? A. Sexual harassment. Q. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? A. $3.99 a minute. Q. Why do women prefer old gynecologists? A. Their shaky hands! Q. What is better than a cold Bud? A. A warm bush. Q. What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? A. Slow down and use some lubricant. Q. What's the difference between sin and shame? A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out. Q. What's the speed limit of sex? A. 68; at 69 you have to turn around. Q. What's the ultimate rejection? A. When you're wanking and your hand falls asleep. ---------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------- Q. Why do women have 2% more brains then a cow? A. So, when you pull their tits they won't crap on the floor. Q. Why are women like Kentucky Fried Chicken? A. After you've finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in. Q. What does a bull do to stay warm on a bitterly cold day? A. He goes into the barn and slips into a nice warm "Jersey" Q. What do you call an open can of tuna in a lesbians apartment? A. Potpourri Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed? A. A cherry float. Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? A. Beat it -- we're closed. Q. Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties? A. To find a tight seal. Q. Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box? A. She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!" Q. Why is air a lot like sex? A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any. Q. What's another name for pickled bread? A. Dill-dough Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants? A. He heard the snowblower coming. Q. Why do men want to marry virgins? A. They can't stand criticism Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A. Breasts don't have eyes Q. What is a Yankee? A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone Q. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? A. The position of the dirt bag Q. What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? A. Juan on Juan Q. What's the biggest crime committed by transvestites? A. Male fraud Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex? A. One of his fingers is clean Q. What's the new and politically correct name for Lesbian? A. Vagitarian Q. What do you call a lesbian Eskimo? A. Klondike Q. What do you call a pimp who doesn't like blow jobs? A. A headless whoresman Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses? A. Brothel sprouts Q. What is Iraq's national bird? A. Duck Q. Why do all Iraqi soldiers carry a piece of sandpaper? A. They need a map Q. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? A. Polaroids Q. What do you get when cross a godfather with a lawyer? A. An offer you can't understand Q. How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone? A. Both look out their windows and see rubble Q. Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats? A. So they can see their Air Force Q. What's the difference between George Michael and a microwave oven? A. A microwave stops when you open the door Q. Why is it twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots? A. You only have to teach them to take off Q. What do JFK Jr. and Monica Lewinsky have in common? A. Both go down easily Q. What is the main reason Santa is so jolly? A. He knows where all the bad girls live Q. How are men and parking spots alike? A. The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped. Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. One... men will screw anything ---------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------- Q. How do you piss off a female archeologist? A. Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it came from Q. What's slimy cold long and smells like pork? A. Kermit the frogs finger Q. What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest? A. Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12 Q. What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup? A. Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup! Q. Why do men want to marry virgins? A. They can't stand criticism Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A. Breasts don't have eyes Q. Why did Santa's little helper feel depressed? A. He had low elf esteem Q. What's considered bi-sexual in Alabama? A. Someone who likes sheep and goats Q. Why does O. J. Simpson want to move to Alabama? A. Everyone has the same DNA Q. What does Kenny G say when he walks into an elevator? A. "This place rocks!" Q. Why didn't JFK Jr. shower before the plane flight? A. He figured he would wash up on shore Q. What do people do with broken down cars in West Virginia? A. Build a house next to them Q. Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep? A. Because of his coffin Q. What was the witches' favorite subject in school? A. Spelling Q. How can you pick out Ronald McDonald in a nudist colony? A. He's the one with sesame seed buns Q. Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? A. He didn't have the guts Q. What does the incestuous hillbilly family do on Halloween? A. Pump kin Q. What's the difference between Princess Di and Tiger Woods? A. Tiger Woods has a reliable driver Q. Why did Elton John sing at Diana's funeral? A. Because he's the only queen who gives a Damn Q. What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? A. Wipes his ass... Q. What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A. 45 lbs. Q. What did Raggedy Ann say to Pinocchio as she was sitting on his face? A. "Tell the truth! Tell a lie! Tell the truth! Tell a lie! Q. How are women and rocks alike? A. You skip the flat ones Q. How can you tell if your wife is dead? A. The sex is the same but the dishes pile up Q. How can you tell if your husband is dead? A. The sex is the same, but you get the remote Q. What do anniversaries and toilets have in common? A. Men always miss them Q. What do you call 1,000 armed lesbians? A. Militia Etheridge Q. What's the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball? A. A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? A. It's not hard Q. Why are hurricanes named after women? A. They're wet and wild when they come and take your house when they leave ---------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------- Q & A Jokes back after this - for all the aussie repliers -------------------------------------- BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE -------------------------------------- SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training. SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar. SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above. SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror. SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender. SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. ACTION: Cover mouth. SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles. FAULT: You are dancing on the table. ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking. SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear. FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. ACTION: Punch him. SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. FAULT: You have been in a fight. ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them. SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party. ACTION: See if they have free beer. SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted. FAULT: The beer is too weak. ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves. SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song. FAULT: Beer is just right. ACTION: Play air guitar. I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. -- Frank Sinatra PUB PRAYER -------------- Our lager, Which art in barrels, Hallowed be thy drink. Thy will be drunk, I will be drunk, At home as it is in the pub. Give us this day our foamy head, And forgive us our spillages, As we forgive those who spill against us. And lead us not to incarceration, But deliver us from hangovers. For thine is the beer, The bitter, The lager. Barmen. ---------------------------------------------------------------- O.K Dudes Edit 4 (INTERMISSION) ---------------------------------------------------------------- Mary had a little lamb, Her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her, between two chunks of bread. Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, Her clothes all tattered and torn. It wasn't the spider That crept up beside her, But Little Boy Blue and his horn. Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the kings horses And all the kings men, Said "F*ck him, He's only an egg." Mary had a little lamb It ran into a pylon. 10,000 volts went up it's ass, And turned it's wool to nylon. Georgie Porgy, pudding and pie. Kissed the girls and made them cry. When the boys came out to play, He kissed them too, cause he was gay. Jack and Jill Went up the hill, To have little fun. Jill, that dill Forgot her pill, And now they have a son. Old Mother Hubbard Went to the cupboard to fetch her poor dog a bone. When she bent over Rover took over, And gave her a bone of his own. Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, Playing with Gasoline Down came a spider and lit up a lighter, And blew her to smithereens! Mary Had A Little Lamb, With Whom She Used To Sleep, That Little Lamb It Was A Ram, And Now She's Having Sheep. Jack be nimble Jack be quick Jack jumped over the candle stick Silly boy he should have jumped higher Goodness gracious, great balls of fire My friend billy had a 6 ft willy, he showed to the girl next door, she thought it was a snake, and hit it with a rake, and now its only 5ft 4. Jack and Jill Went up the hill And planned to do some kissing. Jack made a pass and grabbed her ass Now two of his front teeth are missing Mary had a little lamb It's fleece was white and whispy. Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease And now its black and crispy 1000 sticks of dynamite sitting on a wall 1000 sticks of dynamite sitting on a wall And if one stick of dynamite should accidentally fall... There'll be no sticks of dynamite and no f**king wall ---------------------------------------------------------------- O.K Dudes Edit 5 (Thanx for the replies) ---------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What is the difference between a supermarket shopping bag and Michael Jackson? A. One is made of plastic and is very dangerous to children; the other holds groceries Q. Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring? A. He decided to stick it out for one more year Q. Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for many men? A. No phone numbers Q. What's the difference between John Denver and the stock market? A. People would cry if the stock market crashed Q. Why don't cannibals eat clowns? A. They taste funny Q. Why did Captain Kirk pee on the ceiling? A. He wanted to go where no man had ever gone before Q. What did Mr. Spock find in the toilet? A. The captain's log Q. What does it mean when the flag at the post office is flying at half mast? A. They're hiring Q. How do you get 99 old ladies to say "f**k" at the same time? A. Yell "Bingo!" Q. What do a gynocologist and a pizza boy have in common? A. They can smell it but they cant eat it! Q. What do you call an afghan virgin ? A. Mever bin laid on Q. How did Burger King get Diary Queen Pregnant? A. He forgot to wrap his whopper. Q .What do you call a lesbian dinosaur ? A .Lickalotopiss Q. Why does a squirrle swim on its back? A. To keep its nuts dry Q. What do you call a sheep with no legs? A. A cloud Q. Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested? A. He was charged with battery. Q. What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a Pitt Bull? A. Lipstick Q: What do you do when your wife's staggering? A: Shoot her again. Q: What is the difference between and Virgin and a washing machine? A: The washing machine doesn't follow you around for two weeks after you dump a load in it! Q. What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when it hits a windscreen? A. It's arse! Q. What does a drunk walrus have in common with a woman at a tupperware party? A: They're both out looking for a tight seal. Q. What does a guy and a car have in common? A. They both have the ability to misfire. Q. Why dont blind men skydive? A. Because it scares the crap out of the dog Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes ? A. I have no I-Deer Q. What does a fish say when it runs into a wall? A. DAMN! Q. What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit? A. If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts! ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Two sanitary pads were floating down a sewer drain, and were approaching two tampons. Before the pads and tampons reached each other, one pad said to the other, "Should we say hi to those two tampons?" The other pad responded, "Err... nah... they're stuck up [ removed word ] < Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son. The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?" The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14." A man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass." The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let's have a look". "F**k me!!" says the doctor. "What could have made a hole as big as that?" Patient replies "I've been f**ked by an elephant." The doctor says "An elephant's penis is long and thin. This hole is enormous". Patient replies "He fingered me first." A guy picks up a girl in a bar, brings her home, and they start getting it on. He starts sucking on one of her tits and milk comes out. He says, "Hey, are you pregnant?" She says, "That wasn't a nipple, that was a boil." A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him. So the first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making love, stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes and accidentally lets out a big fart. She looked up and said, "Aww so sowwy, excuse prease, front hole so happy, back hole laugh out loud. ---------------------------------------------------------------- SMOKE BREAK ---------------------------------------------------------------- THE BEDTIME PRAYER (Ladies for you) Now I lay me down to sleep I pray for a man who’s not a creep One who’s handsome, smart and strong One whose willy is thick and long One who thinks before he speaks When he promises to call, he doesn’t wait weeks I pray that he is gainfully employed And when I spend his cash he’s not annoyed Pulls out my chair and opens my door Massages my back and begs to do more Oh send me a man who’ll make love to my mind Knows what to say when I ask ‘How big’s my behind?’ One who’ll make love til my body’s a twitchin In the hall, the loo, the garden and the kitchen I pray this man will love me no end And never attempt to shag my best friend And as I kneel and pray by my bed I look at the shithead you sent me instead Amen 50 THINGS WOMEN CAN'T DO 1. know anything about a car except its colour 2. understand a film plot 3. go 24 hours without sending a text message 4. lift 5. throw 6. run 7. park 8. fart 9. read a map 10. rob a bank 11. resist Ikea 12. sit still 13. tell a joke 14. play pool 15. pay for dinner 16. eat a kebab whilst walking 17. pee out of a train window 18. argue without shouting 19. get told off without crying 20. understand fruit machines 21. walk past a shoe shop 22. make a decent bacon sandwich 23. not comment on a strangers clothes 24. use small amounts of toilet paper 25. let you sleep with a hangover 26. drink a pint gracefully 27. get a round in 28. throw a punch 29. do magic 30. like your friends 31. enjoy porn 32. eat a really hot curry 33. get to the point 34. buy plain envelopes 35. take less than 20 minutes in the toilet 36. sit in a room for five minutes without saying "I'm cold" 37. go shopping without telephoning 20 mates 38. avoid credit card debt 39. dive into a pool 40. assemble furniture 41. roll a bogey between finger and thumb 42. set a video recorder 43. not try and change you 44. watch a war film 45. understand why flirting results in violence 46. spend a day by themselves 47. go to the toilet by themselves 48. buy a purse that fits in their pocket 49. choose a video quickly 50. get this far without having argued with at least 70% of the above Situations Hallmark Cards Don't Cover 1. I always wanted To have someone to hold, Someone to love. After meeting you... (inside card) I changed my mind. 2. I must admit, You brought religion into my life... (inside card) I never believed in Hell until I met you. 3. As the days go by I think how lucky I am... (inside card) That you're not here to ruin it for me. 4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go... (inside card) Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again. 5. Someday I hope to marry... (inside card) Someone other than you. 6. Happy birthday! You look great for your age... (inside card) Almost lifelike! 7. When we were together, You said you'd die for me... (inside card) Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise. 8. We've been friends for a very long time... (inside card) What do you say we stop? 9. I'm so miserable without you... (inside card) It's almost like you're still here. 10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy... (inside card) Did you ever find out who the father was? 11. You are such a good friend If we were on a sinking ship And there was only one life jacket... (inside card) I'd miss you terribly And think of you often. 12. Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your birthday... (inside card) So we're having you put to sleep. 13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia) 14. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder... (inside card) What was I thinking? HE SAID SHE SAID A couple are lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world" The woman says, "I'll miss you." "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack said as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied. He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly. She said - Well, you succeeded. He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea...you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa. He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. AND THEY SAID THAT ROMANCE IS DEAD These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but least romantic second line: Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss but I only slept with you, because I was pissed. I thought that I could love no other Until, that is, I met your brother Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, The sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head. Of loving beauty, you float with grace If only you, could hide your face. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot This describes everything you are not. I want to feel your sweet embrace But don't take that paper bag off of your face. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you screwed up my life. I see your face when I am dreaming That's why I always wake up screaming My love for you takes my breath away What have you stepped in to smell this way. What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts vodka, one part lime ---------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------- WHERE ARE YOU GOING FOR YOUR HOLIDAY ? Jack has a girlfriend, Wendy, whom he loves a lot. To prove how much he loves her he gets 'Wendy' tattooed on his penis. When its erect it says her name and when its deflated it reads 'Wy'. Jack and Wendy go on holiday to Jamaica. There they try a nude beach. They are having a great time when Jack decides to get up from sunbathing and get a drink at the beach bar. He orders a drink from the guy at the bar, who is also naked. He is surprised to see that the bartender also has 'Wy' tattooed on his penis. Jack says, "Wow, what a coincidence, you have a girlfriend named Wendy and you have her name on your privates too!" The bartender looks slowly down at Jack's thing, back to his face and starts laughing. Flashing a wide grin he says, "Nah man. Mine says 'Welcome to Jamaica. Have a nice day'." THE HORMONE WARNING DANGEROUS: What's for dinner? SAFER: Can I help you with dinner? SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner? ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that? SAFER: Wow, you look good in brown. SAFEST: WOW! Look at you! ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about? SAFER: Could we be overreacting? SAFEST: Here's my paycheck. ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that? SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left. SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that? ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate DANGEROUS: What did you do all day? SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today. SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe! ULTRASAFE: Have some more chocolate. HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT 1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN. 2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE. 3. She is not BLONDE - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. 4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION. 5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED. 6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED. 7. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED. 8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED. 9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE. 10. She is not a SL*T - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED. THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR ( LIFT ) 1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in there?" 2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off. 3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves. 4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral. 5) MEOW occasionally. 6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM" - and back away slowly 7) SAY -DING at each floor. 8) SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons. 9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button. 10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on." 11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?" 12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone. 13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space." 14) WHEN there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you. 15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more. 16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones. 17) HOLD the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?" 18) DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!" 19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift. 20) PRETEND you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers. 21) SWAT at flies that don't exist. 22) CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it. 23) PASS wind 24) SAY to the most beautiful person in the lift, “Are you going all the way, because if you are I will.” 25) IF the lift is full of women you look at the floor and say, "Nobody move their feet, my pet rat is on the loose". 26) WALK on with a cool box that says "human head" on the side. 27) SPEAK into a mobile phone and say, "Yeah, the doctor said it was very contagious". Here are some actual REAL logged maintenance complaints and problems (P = The problem logged by the pilot.) (S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.) ---------------------------------------------------------------- P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. ---------------------------------------------------------------- P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. ---------------------------------------------------------------- P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. ---------------------------------------------------------------- P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on backorder. ---------------------------------------------------------------- P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. ---------------------------------------------------------------- P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. ---------------------------------------------------------------- P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. ---------------------------------------------------------------- P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're there for. ---------------------------------------------------------------- P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. ---------------------------------------------------------------- P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. ---------------------------------------------------------------- P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. ---------------------------------------------------------------- P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. ---------------------------------------------------------------- P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. ---------------------------------------------------------------- P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. ---------------------------------------------------------------- P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget HEALTH & FITNESS - THE TRUTH ! Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer, that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up! Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain ... Good Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around! Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! SIGNS In an office: TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES. On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING! . (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK) ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy goes into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila and one beer chaser. The bartender lines up seven shots and goes to get the beer. When he comes back with the beer only moments later, all seven shots were gone. The bartender says, "Wow! You sure drank those fast." The guy explains, "You'd drink fast too if you had what I have." The bartender asks, "What do you have?" The guy reaches into his pocket and says, "Fifty cents!" A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck. The bartender says, "All right, I'll let ya stay---but don't start nuthin." Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female. The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack" , "No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet" A doctor and his wife are having an argument in the morning over breakfast and the doctor blurts out, "You know what? You're not that great in bed anyways!" So he goes off to work and thinks it over and decides to call his wife and make amends..... So he calls the house and the phone rings many, many times and then his wife finally answers the phone completely out of breath.... So the doctor says, "What were you doing?" and she says, "l was in bed!" and the doctor says, "What were you doing in bed so late in the day?" The wife says, "getting a second opinion!" A man comes home and finds his girlfriend packing. "Where are you going?" he asks. "I'm leaving you," she answers. "Leaving me? Why? "She continues packing and says, "Because I found out today that you're a pedophile!" "A pedophile? A pedophile?" he shouts. "That's a pretty big word for a ten year old!" A man is walking on the beach when he's appoached by a gorgeous woman in a skin tight wet suit. She unzips the wet suit a little and removes a cigarette. She lights it and places it between the mans lips. He can't believe it. She then unzips it a little further and pulls out a martini glass. She proceeds to mix a perfect martini and hands it to him. He thinks he must be dreaming. She then unzips the wet suit to below her belly button and says, "Do you wanna play around?" He says, "Wow!!! You have golf clubs in there?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- WHY GOD CREATED EVE 10 God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions. 9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote. 8. God new Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him. 7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's dentist's or haircut appointment by himself. 6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb. 5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing. 4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools. 3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden. 2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone." And, finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve.... 1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that." Author - Unknown Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened. THE LOGEST JOKE IN THE WORLD The two guys with the biggest penises in the world wanted to have a contest. They wanted to see whose penis was the biggest. Not wanting everyone to see their contest they decided to walk from Brooklyn over the Verrazano Bridge. While walking over the bridge and seeing all of that water, they had to urinate. They each started to urinate over the side of the bridge. After about ten seconds the first guy said. "Whoooooo, this water is cold! Not to be out done, the other guy said. "Yes it is...And it's deep too!!! THE SHORTEST JOKE IN THE WORLD A skeleton walks up to a bar, and orders a beer and a mop. IF WOMEN DRINK Drink : Beer. Personality : Casual, low maintenance; down to earth. Approach : Challenge her to a game of pool Drink : Blender drinks with umbrella. Personality : Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the bum. Approach : Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy. Drink : Mixed drinks - no umbrellas Personality : Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants. Approach : If she wants you, she'll send YOU a drink. Drink : Wine - (bottled not 4 litre cask) Personality : Conservative and classy, sophisticated. Approach : Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation. Drink : Bacardi Breezer Personality : Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has absolutely no clue. Approach : Make her feel smarter than she is...and you're in. Drink : Baileys Personality : Annoying voice, bit of a tart. Approach : Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub. Drink : Shorts (Vodka, Aftershock etc.). Personality : Hanging with male pals or looking to get drunk...and naked. Approach : Easiest hit in the pub. Nothing to do but wait. IF MEN DRINK Cider : He's probably under-aged and wants to get laid. Cheap Domestic Beer : He's poor / student and wants to get laid. Premium Local Beer : He likes good beer and wants to get laid. Bitter : He's old, he likes good beer and wants to get laid Imported Beer : He likes expensive beer and wants to get laid Wine : He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get laid. Vodka or Brandy : Extremely horny hound, would have sex with a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid. Port : Thinks he's sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid. Whisky : He doesn't give two brass farthings about anything and will hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid. Jack Daniels : Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting laid. Tequila : Piss off you wankers, I'm gonna go shagg something with a pulse. Bacardi Breezer : He's gay (Blatantly). ---------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a boomerang that won't come back? A: A stick. Q: How is a lawyer different from a hooker? A: There are some things a hooker just won't do. Q: What do you call a man with a car on his head? A: Jack. Q: What's Black and Brown and looks good on a lawyer? A: A Doberman. Q: What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A: A bad golfer goes, WHACK! "Damn." A bad skydiver goes, "Damn." WHACK! Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? A: Ask your mother. Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party? A: The cake jumps out of the girl. Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose? A: Full. Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly? A: Kick his sister in the jaw. Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S. Q: What's the difference between a female dog and a whore? A: A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a female dog sleeps with everybody at the party except you. Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love? A: "Honey, I'm home." Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq? A: They don't want to wear out the camel. Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry. Q: What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised? A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick! Q: What did one gay sperm say to another? A: How do we find an egg in all of this crap? Q: How does every ethnic joke start? A: By looking over your shoulder. Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blow job? A: The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat; but you just can't beat a blow job. Q: What did the Indian say to the white woman when she tied his penis in a knot? A: "How Come?" Q: Why are cowgirls bowlegged? A: Cowboys like to eat with their hats on. Q: Did you hear the slogan for the the new "Stealth Condom?" A: "They'll never see you coming." Q: What's the definition of a vagina? A: The box a penis comes in. Q: What do you call kinky sex with chocolate? A: S&M&M. Q: Why do we have orgasms? A: How else would we know when to stop? Q: Mom's have Mother's Day. Fathers have Father's Day. What do single guys have? A: Palm Sunday. Q: Why is being in the military like a blow job? A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel. Q: Why is sex like a game of bridge? A: If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner. Q: What do a coffin and a condom have in common? A: They're both filled with stiffs, one's coming, one's going. Q: What are 3 two letter words that say small? A: Is it in. Q: What do you call a smiling Roman with a pubic hair between his teeth? A: Gladiator! Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? A: Hold onto your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blow job. Q: What can Life Savers do that men cannot? A: Come in five flavors. Q: What did Bill Clinton say to Monica? A: I told you to lick my erection, not wreck my election. Q. What do you call a woman , who knows where her husband is every night? A. A widow Q: Why can't Heidi Fleiss and O.J. play golf together? A: Because Heidi Fleiss is a hooker and O.J. is a slicer. Q: What happened to the frog when he parked on double yellow lines? A: He got toad away. Q: What is small and wobbly and sits in a pram? A: A jelly baby. Q: How can you make God laugh? A: Tell Him your plans for the future. Q: What's the difference between a prostitute and a trapese artist? A: One's got a cunning stunt...the other has a stunning c*nt. Q: What does pubic hair and Brussel sprouts have in common? A: You just push them out of the way and keep eating. Q: Why don't they play poker in the jungle? A: Too many cheetahs. Q. Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing? A. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink. Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A. A nervous wreck. Q. Where do you get virgin wool from? A. Ugly sheep. Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play? A. They're trying to get away from the noise. Q. What does Star Trek and toilet paper have in common? A. They both circle Uranus looking for Black Holes. Q. What do you call a cow with no legs? A. Ground beef. Q. What do you call Maoris on Prozac? A. Once were worriers. Q. What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche? A. The porcupine has the pricks on the outside. Q. Why did the Leper go back into the shower? A. He forgot his Head and Shoulders. Q. Why did the ref call a penalty during the Leper Hockey game? A. Because there was a face off in the corner. Q. What's a Lepers favorite sport? A. Football. Q. Did you hear that Fed Ex and UPS are going to merge? A. Yeah. They're going to call it FED UP! Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist? A. No one to talk to during orgasm. Q. What do you call a smart blonde? A. A golden retriever. Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts. Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? A. She is the one who can eat the last donut! Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A. A battery has a positive side. Q: What's the main difference between intelligence and ignorance? A: I don't know and I don't care! Q: Why don't epileptics order Cokes at McDonalds? A: They have the shakes instead. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun. Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?" Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie." Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?" Dog: "Doin' all right" Villager: (look of extreme shock) Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager) Dog: "Yep" Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play." Villager: (look of utter disbelief) Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think." Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?" Horse: "Cool" Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded) Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager) Horse: "Yep" Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements." Villager: (total look of amazement) Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?" Villager: "The sheep's a liar" When a tourist coach passed through a small country town in NZ, one of the passengers noticed a sheep tied to a lamppost on the corner in the main street. "What's that?" she said. "Oh that," said the guide, "that's the Recreation Centre" A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone. He approached her and asked her name. "My name is Carmen," she told him. "That's a beautiful name," he said. "Did your mother give it to you?" "No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most in my life - cars and men." They continued to talk and finally she asked " What's your name"? "Beerf*ck," he replied. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- CLASSES FOR WOMEN 1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before 2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits 3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits 4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After Game 5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too 6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His 7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First 8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking 9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging 10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire 11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up 12. Introduction to Parking (hahahahahahaha) 13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space 14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat 15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter 16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption 17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People 18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully 19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His 20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To 21. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You Already Have 22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice 23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together 24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both 25. TV Remote: For Men Only A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I look horrible, all fat 'n ugly - pay me a compliment". The husband replies "your eyesight's f*ckin' spot on". HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME 1. Both take up too much space on the bed. 2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning. 3. Both mark their territory. 4. Neither tells you what's bothering them. 5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous. 6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches. 7. Neither does any dishes. 8. Both fart shamelessly. 9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut. 10. Both like dominance games. 11. Both are suspicious of the postman. 12. Neither understands what you see in cats. HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN: 1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public. 2. Dogs miss you when you're gone. 3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong. 4. Dogs admit when they're jealous. 5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out. 6. Dogs do not play games with you-except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.) 7. You can train a dog. 8. Dogs are easy to buy for. 9. Dogs understand what "no" means. 10. Dogs mean it when they kiss you. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help the gentleman. The man said that he would be much more comfortable discussing his problem with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism. The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and serveer embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it." The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership of the shop, a company car, and $3,000 a month living expenses." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- MANHOOD TEST 1.In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as: A. Lovemaking B. Screwing C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town. 2.You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared: A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship. B. Your blood-test results C. Five tequila slammers. 3.You time your orgasm so that: A. Your partner climaxes first B. You both climax simultaneously C. You don't miss the football. 4.Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is: A. Healthy, creative love-play. B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about. 5.Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is: A. The best part of the experience B. The second best part of the experience C. $100 extra. 6.Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is: A. Nothing to be concerned about because it doesn't show B. Not a problem, but she can join your gym for help C. A conservative estimate. 7.You think today's sensitive, caring man is: A. A myth B. An oxymoron C. A moron. 8.Foreplay is to sex as: A. Appetiser is to main course B. Primer is to paint C. A long line is to an amusement park ride. 9.Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship? A. "I hope we can still be friends B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep." C. "Welcome to Dumpsville - population: YOU 10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate: A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy. B. Is uptight and a waste of time C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place. If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man. If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're a little confused. If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN" TONGUE TWISTER If a bra is an upper topper titty flopper stopper, and a jock strap is a lower decker pecker checker, and a roll of toilet tissue is a super duper doody pooper scooper, What do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea? A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy. ---------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------- Q. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? A. The swallow. Q. What is the difference between medium and rare? A. Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare. Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? A. They don't have balls to scratch Q. What's a mixed feeling? A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car. Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common? A. Their balls are just for decoration. Q: Why did the man put his money in the freezer? A: He wanted cold hard cash! Q: How much money did the pirate pay for his ear to get pierced? A: A buck an ear! Q: Why did the tomato blush? A: Because it saw the salad dressing! Q: How can you tell if a calendar is popular? A: It has a lot of dates! Q: Why did the haunted house not like rain? A: Because it dampened its spirits. Q. Why is basketball played mostly by blacks? A. Its the only game where they can shoot, steal and run at the same time Q: What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive? A: Popeye almost killed him. Q: What do Mexicans have underneath their carpets? A: Underlay, Underlay Q. What did the digital clock say to the analog clock? A. Look, No hands! Q: Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? A: To win the no-bell prize. Q: Why did the cook get fired from his job? A: Because he beat the eggs and whipped the cream. Q: Why does Ms. Mushroom go out with Mr. Mushroom? A: Because hes a fungi. Q: How do Eskimos have babies? A: They keep on rubbing their noses together until the little boogers come out. Q: Why did the maniac burn his jacket? A: ‘Cause he wanted a blazer.’ Q. What's difference between a Microwave and Anal sex? A. The Microwave won't brown your meat. Q: What did the first stoplight say to the second stoplight? A: Don’t look I’m changing!! Q: What is the definition of eternity? A: It’s the length of time between when you come and she leaves. Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms? A. Extra traction in the mud! Q. What did one strawberry say to the other? A. "If you weren't so fresh last night, we wouldn't be in this jam together!" Q: What's worse than being pissed off? A: Being pissed on. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- GIRLS NIGHT OUT Two women on a night out decided to take a short cut home through the graveyard. Both decided that needed to take a pee, but not having any paper, one wiped herself on her knickers and the other on a wreath. The next day their husbands met in the pub and one said to the other "I am not letting my wife out again. Last night she came home with no knickers on." "That’s nothing", said the other man. My wife came home with a card stuck between her cheeks which said "We will never forget you, from all the lads at the Fire Station". DO YOU KNOW WHAT RODEO SEX IS ? It's when you mount your woman from behind, start going nice and slowly, take her hair and pull her head back slightly and whisper in her ear "Your sister was better than you...", and try to hold on for 8 seconds! LITTLE JOHNNY ON MANNERS During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students: "If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?" Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss." The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part." Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute." The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant." And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner. " LITTLE JOHNNY'S LESSON One day Ms. Nelson, a kindergarden teacher, was giving a lesson on imagination. What she would do was hold an item behind her back, give a few descriptions of the item, and ask the kids to guess what it was. First she said to the children "I have something long and yellow behind my back. " The kids suggested a pencil. Ms. Nelson said "no, i'm holding a bannana, but I like you all's imagination. Next she said" I have something round and red". Little Johnny stood up and guessed it was a ball. Ms. Nelson told Johnny it was an apple but she liked Johnny's imagination. Johnny had an idea. He told his teacher, "I have something in my pocket that's warm and it has a head on it. Well Ms. Nelson got really upset and told Johnny he was to go to the principal's office for being soo dirty minded. Little Johnny then said," No, Ms. Nelson, it's a quarter, but I LIKE YOU'RE IMAGINATION!!! ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his penis and the bartender asks: "Why do you have a steering wheel on your penis ?" and he replies: "Arg it's driving me nuts." There was onces a rabbi called keith who circumised boys with his teeth it wasn't for pleasure or sexual pleasure it was to get to the cheese underneath The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down the trail all day. When they had stopped to take a rest Tonto placed his ear to the ground and listened. "Buffalo come," remarked Tonto. "How can you tell, Tonto?" asked the Lone Ranger. "Face sticky!" A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great... he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer." After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?" "Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad, "how fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?" A little lad says to his mom "is it bad to have a willy" no said his mother why? Cause daddy is upstairs trying to pull his off. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- TOP TEN THINGS MEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP WITH A VAGINA FOR A DAY... 10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers. 9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half. 8. See if they could finally do the splits. 7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet. 6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch. 5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time. 4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first. 3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video. 2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too. 1. Finally find that damned G-spot. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- PARROTS THAT CAN USE COMPUTERS A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says: "the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars." "Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the man. The owner says "Well the parrot knows how to use a computer." The man then asks about the next parrot, only to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars, because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system. The increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot, and is told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question "What can it do," to which the owner replies "to be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"
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March 8th, 2007, 07:51 PM
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wow fucking ban this chump
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March 8th, 2007, 07:52 PM
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I<3Nomnoms
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Quoted 
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March 8th, 2007, 07:52 PM
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Should I Consider Retiring???
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Fuckin agreed. |
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March 8th, 2007, 07:53 PM
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Addicted
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March 8th, 2007, 07:53 PM
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Should I Consider Retiring???
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And this quotefagster too.  |
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March 8th, 2007, 07:54 PM
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Banned
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Excellent read, should be sticky.
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March 8th, 2007, 07:58 PM
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March 8th, 2007, 07:58 PM
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I just had to.  You kidding me? The largest post EVER and I wouldn't quote it? Impossible.
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March 8th, 2007, 08:02 PM
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#10 |
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You must be on angel dust if you think am gonna read all that
first 3 where meh! |
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March 8th, 2007, 08:03 PM
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#11 | |
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March 8th, 2007, 08:04 PM
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#12 | |
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March 8th, 2007, 08:05 PM
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#13 |
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March 8th, 2007, 08:05 PM
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#14 | |
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March 8th, 2007, 08:07 PM
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#15 |
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nd :S
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March 8th, 2007, 08:08 PM
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#16 | |
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March 8th, 2007, 08:09 PM
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#17 | |
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Quote:
 ...but what?
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March 8th, 2007, 08:10 PM
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#18 | |
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xD |
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March 8th, 2007, 08:12 PM
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#19 | |
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March 8th, 2007, 08:13 PM
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#20 | |
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March 8th, 2007, 08:14 PM
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#21 | |
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March 8th, 2007, 08:16 PM
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#22 |
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UGh ur fuckin crazy bye
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March 8th, 2007, 08:19 PM
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#23 | |
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March 8th, 2007, 08:23 PM
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#24 |
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bloodlust much?
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March 8th, 2007, 08:25 PM
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#25 |
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a sexy gay for Wonkabear
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its too long..i am not gonna read
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