Girl Problems (Friends-zone)

[DoubleA84]

Yo Guys,

So here's the deal, last year (summer 2005) I ended up interning in Texas and meeting a really cool girl. She was pretty hott on the boneage scale Id say 8 or 9...alot of the other guys that we interned with talked/hit on her and stuff. Anywayz I'm kinda shy/quiet so I didn't really say anything and just kind of got to know her, fast forward to the end of summer and her and one of my good friends (also another intern) started goin out. I never said anything bout liking her and went back to Oklahoma and back to school and got back to my "normal boring" life.

But during the school year we talked off and on and she ended up breaking up with my buddy, and dating I think like 3 or 4 guys during the school year. I helepd her with her guy problems and such, etc. But I was pretty much over her, I was dating a girl from my school and just havin fun and doin my own thing....its easier being in a different state to get over someone. The girl I ended up dating only lasted about a month and that was the only real "relationship" i had during the school year...ANyways this past summer (summer 2006) I ended up interning with the same company again and so does she. So we hang out a few times when I get back and settled in and instantly all those feelings I had came back, if not stronger...

And the buddy of mine who dated her last summer also came back, and he told me something like "Man I was so worried that when I came back all the feelings I had for her would come back, but I'm so glad they didnt!" And I'm pretty sure he was tellin the truth because he ended up hooking up with another girl.....but I look at myself and I'm like damn I didn't even date this girl and yet I still have feelings for her? So throughout the summer we wud hang out and then after a few weeks she ended up hooking up with a guy from her school and they are still going out today.

So fast forward to end of summer, I leave we say our goodbyes and I come back to OK again to go back to school. But this time it seems like I can't really get her out of my head...I'll be studying or reading and she'll randomly pop in, or I'll think about going to a concert or a party with her..stuff like that. I've talked with my other friends and it's kind of like I'm wasting my time on something that will never happen. I KNOW she just thinks of me as a friend, but I mean she's said I'm this great guy have a lot to offer, yada yada...but it's kind of like if I am all these things how come you dont like me?

Anyways I mean there is nothing I can do at this point since she's dating the same guy from her school, who I can't hate because he is actually pretty cool and got me some beers before I came home...but still I guess what I'm asking AWOT is how do I get over her? Lately I've been distancing myself from her...not calling her much or talking to her online, etc. I don't think she's noticed much with school/bf/life...but still 3 months after summer is over I find myself thinking about her and thinking I'm really stupid....thoughts?

sorry for making this so long

--Asif

[Infamous23]

Hey man, I've been in your situation a couple times and it's really, really painful and frustrating... but it's also a good lesson to not let it happen again.

This does happen though, especially when you meet a really hot girl who seems out of your league, and you sort of friend zone yourself because you assume nothing more was possible (even tho trust me.... it would have been possible, and there are no leagues.... i, who assumed i was out of her league, hooked up with a very in demand chick, and it totally changed the way i look at things).

First off, do you want to be over her, or do you want her? If you want to be over her... be over her. Value a great friendship, but realize that now it is suffocating you... so take the good of it, and move on.

Or do you want her? If so, will you be seeing each other again? Is there a feasible foundation for a relationship?

this is where shit gets hard because there is NO formula. If you do want her, I would say, send some ripples through the system, show her something different than what she expects.... be a little mean and cocky with her, but realize that by doing all this you will either get her as more than a friend, or you will lose her all together. be prepared for potentially painful consequences.

I would say that you shouldn't say or do too much..... but make her think differently about you, make her realize that you might be the person she has been looking for all along, which often is the case in male-female friendships.... especially after one person is gone to pursue something else, people realize that they were in love.... you are in love now, she might not be, or she might be but it hasn't hit her. All are real personalities.

I would say ignore her for a while, be a bit cocky and edgier... and try to make her see you with other girls. Be mysterious about it.... but try to make her jealous, as if you are busy with another chick. Her reaction to that might be the deciding factor in this whole thing.

the most important thing in this situation.... remain optimistic about life and girls in general.... but be pessimistic about this situation. don't stress too much or overanalyze it, because chances are, she sees you as a "girl friend," especially if you've been very nice and very predictable with her. You have been her crutch, always available, and thus taken for granted.... if she talks to you about her guy problems, you are in a "girl" role to her...

best of luck bro. I know it's a tough situation, I was in the same boat very recently, and while I am recovering, aspects of my brain are still in an emotional whirlwind. It is very tough when you have a special friendship with a girl but want more, because the actions to maintain or achieve those sides of the spectrum require very different, clashing actions, and losing a friend is scary.