I'm bored so heres afew jokes..

[ace_mayfair]

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.
"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

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A man went to the doctor with a strange complaint.
"Well it's like this Doc, when I drive to work in the morning through the country lanes I start to sing 'The green green grass of home'. If I see a cat then it's 'What's new, pussy cat?'. It's so embaracing, even when I'm asleep and dreaming, I still keep singing. Last night, it was 'Delilah', and my wife was not amused!"

"Yes, it would apear that you have the early symptoms of Tom Jones syndrome."

"Well I've never heard of that, is it common?" asked the man.

"It's not unusual," replied the doctor.

-----------------------------------------------------

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a West Indian are all waiting outside the delivery room to hear the good news, when the Doctor comes out..

"Gentleman" says the Doctor "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that all of you are the father of healthy baby boys.... however the bad news is due to a minor cock up we are not sure whose baby is whose. However we are hoping with a little bit of parental instinct we can work out whose son is whose."

"Aye" says the Englishman "I'd know my own flesh and blood anywhere, show me the babies"

So the Doctor takes the Englishman through into the room with the three babies. The Englisman takes one look round points to the black baby and says "Yep that babies mine right there"

"Are you sure sir, we were actually thinking that that baby might belong to the West Indian fella" said the Doctor.

"Nope its definately mine" says the Englishman

"But how can you be so sure" says the Doctor

"Because one of those bastard white babies is French and I couldn't live with that!"

[ace_mayfair]

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't
get
through to enquiries, can you help?".

Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".

Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".

Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

************************************************** *******

Samsung Electronics

Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"

Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are
talking
about".

Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly
states
that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and
telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for
Jack?"

Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".

************************************************** *******

RAC Motoring Services

Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia?"

Operator: " Doesn't the product give you a clue?"

************************************************** ********

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in
France):

"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering
wheel to the other side of the car?"

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Directory Enquiries

Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff
please".

Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling
correct?"

Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but
the
'B' fell off".

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Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"

Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in
Scotland".

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On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a
phone
box told a worried operator:

"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the
number
on".

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Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".

Customer: "OK".

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".

Customer: "No".

Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up
menu?"

Customer: "No".

Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up
until
this point?".

Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote'
click'".

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Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen,
can
you see the 'OK' button displayed?"

Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

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Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realized that I need it.
If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file
back again?".

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There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a
longtime. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired This is
a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed
from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say
the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the
Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"

Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

Operator: "What sort of trouble??"

Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a
sudden
the words went away."

Operator: "Went away?"

Caller: "They disappeared."

Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen lo ok like now?"

Caller: "Nothing."

Operator: "Nothing??"

Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I
type."

Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get
out??"

Caller: "How do I tell?"

Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"

Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"

Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the
screen?"

Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't
accept
anything I type."

Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"

Caller: "What's a monitor?"

Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks
like
a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"

Caller: "I don't know."

Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and
find
where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"

Caller: "Yes, I think so."

Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me
if
it's plugged into the wall.

Caller: "Yes, it is."

Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"

Caller: "No."

operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

Caller: "Okay, here it is."

Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

Caller: "I can't reach."

Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"

Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -it's because it's dark."

Operator: "Dark??"

Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."

Caller: "I can't."

Operator: "No? Why not??"

Caller: "Because there's a power failure."

Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.

Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"

Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"

Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"

Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%king stupid to own a
computer!!!!!"